The people who fill our vending machines at work were determined that I must eventually try one of the new Tab Energy Drinks. They demonstrated this in no uncertain terms by filling two whole rows of the machine with it and failing to refill the Red Bull this week. They’ve been putting the Tab Energy Drink in the machines for months and as far as I can tell, nobody has ever bought one.
As someone who grew up in the 1970s, I completely understand why this would be. Here are the things that leap to mind when I hear the Tab brand name: my childhood neighbor lady chain-smoking cigarettes and drinking Tab, and studies that involve force-feeding carcinogenic quantities of saccarine to lab rats. Mmmm! Refreshing!
Today I walked to the vending machine with my $2.25 of Red Bull money for the day and, denied a Red Bull, decided to go ahead and try the Tab.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!
My first warning was that it had no discernable odor whatsoever. The fake sugar – whatever it is – was gaggingly sweet and there was really no flavor except for the sweetness. Perhaps some mild fruit flavor lingered, trapped beneath the heavy blanket of artificial sweetener, but I have no idea what fruit it was supposed to represent.
I tried to drink it. I really did. After about two ounces, it started giving me a stomachache and I had to stop. I threw the remaining two dollars’ worth away.
Thus, I finished out my day without the help of artificial stimulants, poorer but wiser. I wonder if I have time to swing by Costco on my way home to get a fresh case of Red Bull?
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