Author: Average Jane

Yesterday I was pleased to notice that my traffic had skyrocketed, all thanks to a very nice shout-out from J-Walk Blog. It’s the pinnacle of my blogger fame to this point, and I’m very grateful for the kind words. If you’ve come from J-Walk (and I think today it’s safe to say that you probably have), welcome! I hope you enjoy my writing.

I was just getting ready to share my 15 minutes of blogger fame with my husband yesterday afternoon when he received a phone call with some awful news. A very close friend of his had died after a terrible period of depression and self-destructive behavior. My husband took the news very hard – he’d spent many, many hours trying to help coax his friend out of the dark place in which he’d trapped himself. It’s a sad day for many people who considered this man a good friend.

I woke up 15 minutes before I was supposed to be at work this morning, so you can imagine why I had to wait until lunchtime to do today’s blog entry.

Yesterday’s work day involved some frustrating software glitches, and by the end of the day I had moved up from FCC-acceptable cursing to f-word cursing. I believe I also pounded on my desk with my fists a time or two. Thus, it should not surprise anyone to learn that when I got to my dinner meeting, I was ready for a nice, relaxing drink. I ordered a delicious Doley Stoli (that’s a martini made with fresh pineapple-infused vodka. If you haven’t had one, you’re missing out!). It was really TWO Doley Stolis once I had what was left in the shaker. After the meeting ended, I joined my sister and her friends for a birthday celebration at another restaurant and had an Almond Joy martini (chocolate and coconut flavors, mmm!).

By the time I got home around 9 p.m., my stomach was roiling from the super-garlicky chicken spiedini I’d had for dinner, the two varieties of cake I’d sampled, and the mishmash of alcohol varieties I’d foolishly consumed. I fell asleep watching TV and woke up at 2 a.m. in desperate need of an antacid. After I’d chewed down four TUMS, I went back to bed and didn’t wake up again until I was almost late for work. Sigh.

So now I’ve learned my lesson and I’m back to drinking water and eating normally. Work has settled down and all is right with the world. It was kind of fun, though…

As I was drying off after my morning shower, I got the sudden urge to grab a can of Dow Bathroom Cleaner and scrub all the corners, baseboards and door trim in the bathroom. Even though we have our house cleaned every other week, a lot of it is of the “lick and a promise” variety, so dirt sometimes builds up in hard-to-reach spots.

On Saturday, I’m hosting an event for a community service organization and most of the prospective attendees have never been over before. I’m going to do my best to confine the guests to the back deck and patio, but I can’t prevent them from coming in to use the facilities. I’m sure that’s the underlying reason for my rather poorly-timed cleaning fit.

I was shuffling, zombie-like, through my morning chores trying to tidy up the house when I discovered a sure-fire wakeup alarm: the hideous, frantic clanking of a spoon in the garbage disposal. All vestiges of drowsiness immediately departed as I lunged for the switch and retrieved the battered spoon. I think this explains why we never have as many spoons as other utensils.

I was on my own last night while my husband did a recording session, but my evening was fairly busy anyway. My dad came by to pick up some stuff from our basement and we paused to break in the new patio furniture with a nice chat over Guinness Stouts.

After that, I went around the yard with my long-handled loppers, cutting down all the volunteer “trash trees” that have been thriving under my neglectful eye all spring. I didn’t go so far as to actually bag them up. That’ll have to wait for tonight.

By then it was getting dark and it seemed like too much trouble to go somewhere to get food, so I made myself a bowl of ice cream and sliced strawberries for dinner. Hey, fruit…dairy…it’s half of a balanced meal! I figured that my lunch hamburger and breakfast protein shake filled in the rest of the nutrients for the day.

Then it was time to finish up my oh-so-late newsletter project. However, the idea of firing up the TiVo and watching the last episode of “The Sopranos” was just too compelling, so I did that instead. Now I have to do the newsletter tonight, come Hell or high water. Man, when will I learn to say “no”?!

So that’s it for now. I need to get back to my pre-housecleaning neatening. I’m having a big group of women over on Saturday to play BINGO, so the house needs to be spotless and stay spotless until then. Wish me luck with that!

I left the office a little after 4 o’clock on Friday and headed home to prepare for the arrival of The Princess, my four-year-old niece. I don’t know if she still refers to herself as The Princess, but she is reported to have done so at least once, so that’s good enough for a blog ID.

My husband went to have coffee with a friend, so The Princess and I headed to the park to play on the huge slides, et. al. Luckily for me, there were lots of other kids there, so The Princess ran around with them, issuing orders (“I want to be the leader!” “Let’s climb up the rock wall!” “You climb up this side of the alligator and I’ll climb up that side.”) and generally having a delightful time. I orbited the playground one bench at a time, getting chigger bites and occasionally chatting briefly with one of the mothers. Finally, The Princess tired of the park when most of the other kids went home, so we rejoined my husband and headed out for pizza and, in the Princess’ case, very sugary tropical punch.

After dinner, I installed The Princess in our bedroom with a DVD of “Shrek” while we watched “Stuck On You” in the living room. Once the movies ended, The Princess had me help her put on her nightgown and she insisted that I put on a nightgown, too. The only one I could find had scratchy lace all across the top, so I waited until The Princess went to sleep and changed back into my usual sleepwear: a t-shirt and a pair of drawstring shorts.

After The Princess went home the next day, my husband and I went out to breakfast at lunchtime, then ended up buying a new set of patio furniture. We had to go back home and get a different vehicle to pick up the furniture, so it was late afternoon before I got it all unpacked, put the tables together, and picked up all the boxes and packing material. We didn’t have a chance to enjoy the new furniture then because it began raining before I finished with the table and I was forced to finish the job cowering on the section of our deck that’s sheltered by a porch.

After all that, a little lie-down seemed in order, and I ended up taking a three-hour nap. I woke up feeling seriously cranky, had a quick buffet dinner at a restaurant, and went back to bed within a couple of hours of returning home. All told, I think I slept 12-13 hours between Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning.

Sunday was more activity-packed, but I was rested and energetic. I got a good start on a late newsletter that I should be able to finish tonight, and I volunteered at a silent auction for charity and got to play a rousing internal game of “spot the facelift” and “spot the hair plugs” (it wasn’t too difficult). I must not do a lot of smiling in my daily life, because my face hurt from two hours of smiling at the bidders as they perused my table of purses.

This week is going to be typically busy, but if I can stay focused I’ll be okay. Time to spend an hour surfing the net… No! Time to pack an order for my dad’s company, inventory his textbooks and then go to the office. This focus thing is hard!

Yesterday turned out to be unexpectedly Elvis-oriented.

The hubby and I are planning a trip to Las Vegas for our 10th wedding anniversary in December. We got married in Vegas originally, but I wasn’t willing to do anything too wacky for our wedding the first time around. This time, however, we’re planning to renew our wedding vows with an Elvis minister. I intend to wear a red-sequined cocktail dress, but I’m willing to consider sequined cocktails dresses in other colors, too. I have not yet chosen an Elvis, but I’ll go online and get one reserved pretty soon.

Yesterday, at the prompting of one of my friends, I finally got in touch with a travel agent to begin making the trip plans. We’re opening this trip and vow renewal ceremony to pretty much everyone we know. I will make no attempt to coordinate anyone else’s travel plans or other activities, but if someone wants to be in Las Vegas that weekend and come to see us affirm that the original wedding had been a good idea, they’re welcome to be there. Hmmm, maybe I’ll start a separate “Vegas Trip” blog for everyone who’d like to go.

The second Elvis sighting of the day came from renting and watching the DVD of Bubba Ho-Tep. The movie is a horror/comedy/drama about “what really became of Elvis,” which involves him battling an ancient mummy to save the souls of all his fellow nursing home residents. Sure, it’s a low-budget movie, but it was one where you could tell that every penny was well spent. Plus, it stars Bruce Campbell – always a huge bonus in my book. If you like the horror/comedy genre with a bit of poignancy thrown in for good measure, I’d recommend the movie. It takes a while to get moving at first, though, so you have to be patient.

Uh, thankyouverymuch.

I’ve started to pay more attention to those moments when, just for a second, you think you see one thing but it turns out to be something else. For example, this weekend I was driving down the highway and a crane or heron flew up from the median. For a split-second, I thought, “Is that a pterodactyl?” Then my mind finished processing the sight and I realized what it really was. Until the processors kick in all the way, though, apparently anything goes.

I was going to title this post “Average Jane, Master Baker,” but even I know when to resist a bad joke. Wait a minute – I still mentioned it, so I guess I can’t resist after all.

Anyway, tonight I’m going to hang out with a group of women who call themselves the Regular Girls. They (we) meet semi-regularly on Wednesday nights to eat dinner, drink wine and chat. This week’s hostess assigned me the role of dessert-bringer, so I made a chocolate cake roll with vanilla ice cream in the center. I also trashed my kitchen in the process, and I’m trying to remedy that this morning before I move on to the next baking project. The cake roll came out beautifully when I took it out of the pan and rolled it to cool. When I added the ice cream and re-rolled it, the cake developed huge, horizonal rifts – d’oh! The good news is that they’ll be less noticeable once the cake has spent 18+ hours wrapped in foil in the freezer. They’ll be even less noticeable when the cake is cut into neat slices, garnished with fresh raspberries, and served to people who’ve already had a couple of glasses of wine.

This morning I’m going to bake a batch of the world’s most delicious blueberry scones. If you like blueberry scones at all, I recommend you try this recipe. Brush the tops with water or egg white and sprinkle them with raw sugar before baking to make them even tastier. You’ll be sorry you ever forked out $2.00 to Starbucks for one of their big ol’ stale scones.

We have new neighbors moving in next door, so my plan is to bring them some scones and take the rest to work. If I’m going to accomplish that and still get to work early, I suppose I’d best get moving. Isn’t it wonderful that it’s Wednesday already?! Man, I love three-day weekends…

Monday was the perfect kickoff for summer – a dress rehearsal for every warm-weather activity that’s bound to follow.

I started the day with an early-morning trip to the grocery store for picnic supplies. After I thoroughly scrubbed out the cooler (it was disgusting after a winter in the basement), I packed it with ice, soft drinks, Guinness pub draft cans, deli meat and cheese, grapes and carrot sticks. Then I stuffed a grocery sack with bread, potato chips, peanuts, sunscreen, beach towels, and my cell phone.

Two other couples met us at our house around 10:30 a.m. and we drove to a lake about 45 minutes away. There we rented a pontoon boat, loaded all our various coolers, bags and boxes (we could have survived on a desert island for a month with the stuff we all brought) and headed out on the water. The weather was nice, but not quite summery – about 70 degrees Fahrenheit and windy. I slathered myself with heavy-duty sunscreen because I am far too pale to entertain any notions of tanning. I wore a summer top, some nylon swim shorts and a pair of sandals. Fortunately, I also brought a cotton blouse which came in handy for warmth, especially early on. My husband wore a polo shirt and jeans because he is not a boat person. He never learned how to swim, and I realized that this was the first time we’d ever been on a boat together.

We began with a brief cruise around the lake. The water was rather choppy, so we could not escape a certain amount of water splashing into the boat. We dropped anchor in a cove and everyone fixed sandwiches and ate fried chicken. As we ate and chatted, we kept an eye on two separate banks of clouds that were looming on the other side of the lake. We couldn’t tell how far away the clouds were, but they were obviously producing rain. After everyone finished eating we decided to see more of the lake. By then, the wind had picked up and the waves in the lake were getting bigger and bigger. All forward movement caused huge water splashes to douse the passengers, and I wrapped myself in my beach towel to stay as warm and dry as possible. After a few bathroom stops (there were quite a few restrooms dotted around the lakeshore) and additional lake cruises, we noticed that one of the storms was getting nearer, so we began to try to move away.

One storm passed us by completely, but we weren’t so lucky with the second one. The wind picked up and we struggled to get the canvas top raised over the boat so we wouldn’t get soaked when the rain began. We made our way under a bridge and tied the boat to a rope that was hanging down from above. That’s when the storm hit. All six of us dove under our beach towels as hard rain started to pummel the boat. I looked up and saw eight or ten boats and Sea-Doos making a beeline for the shelter of the bridge. That’s when the rope broke. In the midst of the pounding rain, we began to drift swiftly toward a huge, concrete bridge pillar. Our “captain” ducked out from under his beach towel to start the engine and keep us from being rammed into the bridge. Then, just like that, the storm ended.

As soon as the storm passed, the sun came out, the temperature rose about 10 degrees, and it turned into a gorgeous summer day. By then the rental term for the boat was almost over, but we had time to dry our clothes and hair and enjoy a bit of solar warmth. I think I got a little sunburn on my legs and a few bug bites, but otherwise I made it through the day unscathed. As we drove back home, it was tempting to take a nap in the van. I succumbed to the temptation once we got home, and slept for three hours. This wasn’t the productive weekend I’d planned for, but I think it was worth it.

I can already tell that it’s going to be very hard to get back into my routine when I go back to work on Tuesday. Last night we went to a late showing of “Kill Bill 2” and stayed up until after 1:00 a.m. (admittedly the two-hour nap we took that afternoon facilitated things). I went to parties on Friday and Saturday nights and still got up relatively early the next day in both instances.

This morning I need to go to the grocery store to get picnic foods for a boat trip with some friends. I could have slept considerably later, but a mylar balloon made its way from the opposite end of the house and wound up caught in the gravitational pull of the living room ceiling fan. I woke to a loud, “thwack, thwack, thwack” sound as the fan blades pummelled the balloon repeatedly. After I retrieved the balloon and put it out of our misery with a steak knife, I tried to go back to sleep, only to be pestered incessantly by the cats. After the third set of furry legs grazed my face, I decided to just get up.

I’m very torn today about going on an afternoon leisure trip because I have tons of work to do. It is imperative that I begin easing out of the majority of my volunteer newsletter commitments as soon as possible. I took them on when I was self-employed (read: underemployed), but now I simply do not have the time for them. Every time I try to do something fun or just laze about when I’m not working, it makes me feel guilty. I want my free time back!