Average Jane

Blog

  • Average Jane Loves Celebrity Snark

    As I’m amassing an ever-growing collection of del.icio.us links, I can’t help noticing how many of them fall under the keyword "snark."  All of a sudden I’m the shallow girl who likes to make fun of celebrities.  I have no desire to jump into the celebrity-mocking arena personally; it’s easier to sit back and read the work of the masters:

    I actually feel kind of sorry for people who are so famous that they can’t set foot outside without being hassled by fans and paparazzi.  I suppose millions of dollars would make up for a lot of that, but it would still be unpleasant. 

    Heaven knows I wouldn’t want my frequent fashion miscalculations dissected on the Internet.  Fortunately (or is it unfortunately?) that’s unlikely to ever happen.  I just hope I never end up in the back of a women’s magazine with a black bar over my face, illustrating a "fashion don’t".

    Have any of you had enough of a brush with fame to gain some inside perspective?  Tell us about it!

  • Average Jane’s Kid-Safe Cussing

    Pharmgirl reports that her daughter is starting to repeat bad words she hears from her dad.  Apparently Pharmgirl’s husband lacks a ready list of substitute curse words upon which he can draw as needed.  As a public service, I’m presenting my list of all the kid-friendly expletives I can think of.

    • Shoot
    • Darn or darnit
    • Dang or dangit
    • Dagnabit (if you don’t mind sounding like Yosemite Sam)
    • Horse pucky or horse hockey (bull may be substituted for horse)
    • Blast (my grandfather used this one around us a lot, "Oh, blast!")
    • Bother (another one from the grandparents)
    • Heck
    • Ticked off

    I would argue against introducing any F-word variations to the kiddies, but if you’re on a roll and you need to halt yourself before the bomb drops, there’s always:

    • Fudge
    • Frickin’, Freakin’, Friggin’ or Flippin’ (the last "g" makes them far too formal, I think).
    • Effing (but you kind of had to be planning that one)

    Then there are the lengthier phrases that you’ll feel stupid saying, but may save you if you need them:

    • What in the Sam Hill?
    • Son of a biscuit (or biscuit-eater)
    • Son of a gun

    Some truly ridiculous curse word substitutions come into play as dubbed-over dialogue when movies are aired on network television.  Carlo says, "Possibly my favorite curse, after translation for TV, comes from Bruce Willis in ‘Die Hard’ where the TV version, says, ‘Yippee Ki Yeah – Kemo Sabe!’"

    My all-time favorite was from a Richard Pryor movie where the same oft-used compound word was dubbed repeatedly as "melon picker." 

    Did I leave anything out?  What are your toothless cuss words of choice around the little ones?  What are your favorite dubbed substitutions on TV?

  • Average Jane on Bad Ad Songs

    This week, Slate shared the results of asking visitors, "What’s the worst ad song ever?"

    One I particularly agree with:

    "I have to nominate Applebees’ ‘Take this steak and top it’ ads. Since
    the source of the jingle is ‘Take This Job and Shove It’—and the ‘shove
    it’ is short for ‘shove it up your ass’—it’s a horrible choice.
    Applebees wants to shove a steak up my ass?"
    —ILR

    Others seemed a little nitpicky to me since they depended on a thorough knowledge of how the lyrics and meaning of the song differed from the intent of the commercial.

    What ad songs do you really dislike?  What bothers you about them?

  • Average Jane’s Camping Lessons

    Here are a few of the lessons I took away from last weekend’s camping trip:

    • It’s good to be away from cell phones and e-mail for a few days.  It allows you to go out into the woods and think about…being in the woods.
    • Everything cooked over a campfire is delicious.  (Well, except for the dessicated can of pork and beans that’s apparently a tradition for the group I accompanied, but nobody actually ate any of the beans.)
    • The campground owner/canoe outfitter on people shouting and ‘yahoo’ing in the woods, "I’ve been to the city a few times and if I had to live there, I’d need to come out here and yell, too."
    • Sleeping in a tent is more comfortable than you’d think, but going back to a bed with a real mattress and sheets afterward is heavenly.

  • Average Jane Goes Camping

    Sorry for the late post, but I woke up this morning in a tent at a campground 200 miles from home.

    We’d been planning the camping/river rafting expedition for more than a month, but the weather reports at the end of last week were rather worrisome.  There was much mention of severe thunderstorms, hail and high winds, and the fact that it had rained for days at home was not reassuring.  Still, everyone was game to head out on Saturday, even if it meant we might get rained on all weekend long. 

    Three couples and I left on Saturday afternoon and we made it to camp in the late afternoon.  The sky was clear and it was warm and humid as we put up four tents and a canopy around our campsite.  I wasn’t willing to wait for the campfire to be ready for cooking, so I grilled my chicken kebabs and corn on the cob over my propane grill.  We had a lovely evening sitting around the fire chatting, drinking beer and cooking.

    On Sunday, we took a 7 mile canoe trip down the river.  I rented a kayak, which meant that other people had to put my drinks and lunch in their cooler.  The kayak was a BLAST!  It was very maneuverable and I got the hang of paddling it very quickly.  I often got ahead of the rest of the group, but the kayak was so easy to paddle that I could navigate it back upstream or just sit and float while the others caught up.

    After we reached the end point of our trip downriver and took a van ride back to the campground, I was tired and ready to shower and start fixing dinner.  Almost everyone else headed for the riverside area of the camp and played in the water for several more hours.  By the time they returned, the fire was ready for cooking again and we had hot dogs, bratwurst and hamburgers, and I finally toasted a single marshmallow and ate it sandwiched between two chocolate-coated graham crackers.

    At 6:45 this morning, we all woke to the sound of distant thunder.  We’d been expecting rain all weekend, but the weather had been absolutely perfect so far.  Suddenly, the idea of being soaked by rain wasn’t all that appealing, so we scrambled to break camp and pack the vehicles.  Our timing was perfect.  The second we closed the last truck door, the rain started. 

    By the time we made it up the steep, gravel hills out of the campground, rain was pouring down and we could barely see the car in front of us.  We drove to a nearby town and had a delicious and very inexpensive breakfast at a diner, then made it past the rainstorms and back to the city before noon.

    I had such a great time on my second camping trip ever that I hope I can manage to go a few more times this summer and fall.  I’ve decided I need to buy a small tent of my own (I borrowed a faintly dog-scented one this time) and I’ll definitely rent a kayak again next time because it was so much fun.

    Now that I’m up to date on my blog entries, I’m looking forward to
    taking a shower without my sandals on and perhaps snuggling with the
    cats and taking a little nap.  More tomorrow!

  • Average Jane’s Feline Nemesis

    I’ve had my male cat since early 1990, when he was a tiny kitten that could stand in the palm of my hand.  He’s been a part of my life since long before I met my husband, and we’ve lived in six different places together.

    He’s had some health issues over the years and thus he gets prescription food to keep him from being too skinny.  This is not new:  he’s been eating the prescription diet for at least five years.  I feed him in our bathroom so the other cats don’t push him aside to get the expensive food.

    The new part of the situation is that he has suddenly begun demanding food at all hours of the day and night.  There’s nothing stopping him from going to the basement to eat his fill of the cat food that’s available for all of the cats, but he’s not interested in that anymore.  No, he’d rather follow us around the house meowing loudly and irritatingly.

    That would be bad enough, but now he’s decided that his breakfast will come earlier if he comes into our bedroom and walks all over me until I wake up.  He knows I’m the early riser, so every day he jumps up and bugs me like it’s his full-time job.  I elbow him off the bed over and over, but eventually he always wakes me up.  My policy is not to feed him right away when I get up, but I think he’s well aware that the sooner I get up, the sooner he’ll get fed.

    I love letting the cats cuddle with us at night, but I’m afraid it’s time to institute a "no cats in the bedroom" rule.  That is, unless I can figure out a way to un-spoil the troublemaker.  Any ideas?

  • Average Jane’s Tootsie Roll Martinis

    Last night I went to a social gathering and brought a pitcher of my fabulous Tootsie Roll Martinis.  I didn’t even end up drinking one (I wanted to make my 6:15 a.m. yoga class today), but everyone loved them so much I figured it would be worthwhile to share the recipe.

    Tootsie Roll Martinis

    1 cup creamy chocolate liqueur (Godiva, Vermeer, etc.)
    1 cup Irish cream liqueur (I like McCormick, but Bailey’s is good, too)
    1 cup vanilla vodka
    1/2 cup clear chocolate liqueur (optional)
    1/4 cup Grand Marnier

    Mix together in a pitcher and add ice to chill and provide a little much-needed dilution of the alcohol.  Don’t skip the Grand Marnier – it’s the secret ingredient that makes these martinis taste like a Tootsie Roll instead of just chocolate alone.  Garnish martini glasses with actual Tootsie Rolls or chocolate syrup-coated rims if you’re the kind of person who does that sort of thing.

    Enjoy!

  • Average Jane’s Latest Online Toys

    These days, there’s almost nothing I enjoy more than playing around with various Internet-based services.  I do the majority of my online shopping at Amazon and Ebay.  I try to keep up with BookCrossing, even though I’ve let it slide a bit lately.  If asked, I would gladly pay to use Evite because it works so well for me.  (On the other hand, I cancelled my Meetup.com subscription the instant they decided to start charging for it.)

    Those sites are all ancient history by now.  Lately my attention has been drawn to some newer online fun:

    • I finally signed up for a Flickr account, mainly to have somewhere to put my camera phone photos.  I’m a rather poor photographer with an unfortunate tendency to take way too many pictures of cats and flowers, but I hope to eventually improve my eye for a good shot along with my technical abilities.  Here are my photos, in case you want to observe the cliche-o-rama for yourself.
    • One great new online tool is Backpack.  Backpack gives you the ability to organize a project or some other aspect of your life with online to-do lists, photos, notes and other information.  I’m using it to plan my summer trips to New Orleans and the BlogHer Conference.  I also plan to use it to keep track of all of my household bills that aren’t automatically debited from my checking account.  I use the more robust 37Signals planning software, Basecamp, at work for project organization.
    • Last but not least, I’ve mentioned how much I use del.icio.us to keep track of my bookmarks these days.  I have the posting shortcuts saved on every computer I use so I can bookmark any site I find that I think I’d like to visit again.  I use it so much now that I think I need to start using an RSS reader again.  I still have a Bloglines account, and my goal is to get more familiar with the way it works so I don’t waste so much time checking my 100+ favorite blogs for updates every day.

    What’s your favorite online service these days?  How has it changed the way you use the web?

  • Average Jane Outside

    I spend a lot of time outdoors when it’s warm out, particularly on my back deck.  From there I can watch the visitors to the bird feeder and birdbath under a big oak tree in the middle of my back yard. 

    Our bird variety is a little lacking:  grackles, starlings, sparrows and the occasional cardinal or blue jay.  We have one woodpecker that doesn’t care for the bird feeder but will go for popcorn or bread.  The squirrels have found the feeder, too, and I’ve seen as many as five underneath it at once.  Sometimes a chipmunk will join in as well.

    It’s fun to watch the starlings with their huge, fledgling babies.  The young ones don’t have the adults’ smooth, slightly spotted feathers yet but they’re fully as big as the parents.  They follow the older birds around squawking piteously and opening their yellow-rimmed beaks to be fed.  I’ve noticed that the parents will eat their fill first before feeding their demanding young ‘uns.

    They were making themselves scarce earlier in the spring, but lately I’m seeing plenty of rabbits in the yard.  I think I’ve glimpsed one of the ginger-colored rabbits, but most are the common brown variety.  So far they haven’t discovered my lettuce garden, but I should probably step up my harvest just in case.

    Our back yard is very park-like because there are no fences between the large, wide yards.  We often see foxes and woodchucks near the woods, and the raccoons and possums will come right up to the house at night.  We have to have very secure trash can lids to keep the raccoons from festooning the yard with garbage the night before trash day.

    I grew up on a 13-acre lot in a more rural suburb where we’d see deer in the pasture with the horses and wild turkeys in the woods.  Even though I live closer to the city now, I’m glad to have this much wildlife to watch.   Maybe I’ll work on growing a butterfly garden next…

  • Average Jane’s Memorial Day Weekend

    Today’s the last day of my three-day weekend and so far I’m having a lovely and relaxing time.

    On Saturday, I finally got a haircut.  My bangs were so long that I was starting to look like Jane Ramone, the heretofore unknown female member of The Ramones.  (Have I mentioned that my hair is dark brown these days?  Well it is.)

    Yesterday, my husband and I spent the afternoon at the zoo, burned through all our weekend cash eating out, and finished up the evening watching a DVD of Supersize Me.  I don’t think I’m likely to want a fast food meal again anytime soon.

    I’m headed to another yoga class this morning now that my shoulders aren’t so sore anymore.  This afternoon we’re going to the military cemetary where my husband’s mother and stepfather are buried.  After that, I’ll probably head to my dad’s house to take care of an office project or two for his business.  At some point, I also need to plant the flat of impatiens I bought two weeks ago.

    The rest of this week promises to be exceedingly busy, so I’m happy to have had the time to kick back and relax a bit.  If I’m very lucky, maybe I’ll even manage a nap this afternoon…