Average Jane

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  • Average Jane’s Early Morning Song Lyric Critique

    Zep300As I was waking up this morning, my brain reminded me of some song lyrics that have always bugged me. 

    The song in question: Ramble On by Led Zeppelin. You can find the whole list of lyrics here, but to set the scene, our protagonist  is wandering across J. R. R. Tolkien’s Middle Earth trying to find a particular woman, described as “the queen of all my dreams.”

    Our hippie hero, and let’s just assume he’s Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant, meets a different woman in his travels and here’s what happens:

    T’was in the darkest depths of Mordor
    I met a girl so fair
    But Gollum, and the evil one
    Crept up and slipped away with her
    Her, her, yeah
    Ain’t nothing I can do, no
    I guess I’ll keep on rambling

    I suppose the “evil one” is Sauron and I get why it might be a fool’s errand to challenge him. But I think you could at least try to take on Gollum. He’s a tiny, shriveled, corrupted Hobbit and you’re from the race of Men, so “slipped away” or not, I’d think you’d have a fighting chance to catch up and lend a hand.

    But no, you just shrugged and moved on. Thanks for nothing, Robert. 

  • Average Jane’s Aging Pets

    It seems like only yesterday that I had a house full of kittens, but now Xena is suddenly 11 years old, Trillian is 10, and even my youngest, Dr. Jones and Kaylee, are nine years old.

    We lost our foster failure kitty Izzy (formerly Sooty) in February. He was already elderly with chronic kidney disease when he came to live with us in late 2014, so we felt lucky to have the three years and change with him that we did. We still miss him every day, though, because he was such a sweet and loving cat.

    Now the big concerns are Toby and Velvet. Toby was eight when we got him, which makes him 15 this year. The shelter told us that Velvet was seven or eight when we got her, but considering that it's been a decade already, we think they may have been overstating her age. Still, she's in her teens somewhere.

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    Toby was recently diagnosed with heart failure, and he'll be on medication for the rest of his life. It seems to be helping and he's not coughing as much as he was, but obviously he needs to take it easy from now on. Of course, he's the guy who only has two teeth left and he also has noticeable cataracts, so he gets the full senior dog treatment now.

    Velvet seems to be having tooth problems of her own. I noticed yesterday that one of her bottom canines was sticking out at a weird angle, so I presume it will be falling out soon. She's also starting to get that old gal skinniness, but she got a clean bill of health at the vet recently, so she's probably doing as well as can be expected under the circumstance. 

    It's such a shame that pets add so much enjoyment to our lives, but only for a short time. All we can do it love on them as much as possible while we have them.

  • Average Jane Decorates Her Porch

    There was cinnamon-infused grapevine wreath on my back kitchen door until earlier this week when its hook gave way. The cinnamon smell had dissipated a long time ago, so no big deal. I put it outside for a bit while I was trying to decide what to do with it, and today it occurred to me that I could hang it on the nail above my porch.

    A whim like that doesn't drive a person to do something as logical as take out a ladder. No, I figured it would be relatively easy to throw it up onto the nail, ring-toss style.

    Throw. CRASH!

    Throw. THUNK!

    Throw. SMASH!

    Throw. Catch! But my hand is bleeding now.

    Throw. BOUNCE. CRASH. Hey, it has a boxwood branch stuck in it now.

    Throw. Slide. Bonk.

    Repeat, repeat, repeat – way more times than I'd like to admit.

    Then throw: Success!

    I may not have my dignity, but I have a wreath over my porch, dammit.

    Porch-wreath

  • Purse-Free Average Jane

    I'll start with a brief disclaimer that this post is not sponsored or intended to promote any specific products.

    Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about purses. I have never been the sort of person who will notice your handbag or be impressed if you have a nice one. I have a vague awareness of what the fancy brands are, but I can't imagine spending the money to actually own one of them. The nicest bag I have ever purchased is this one:

    Fullsizeoutput_2c

    This bag was how people recognized me the last time I went to a BlogHer Conference. I liked it so much that I bought another one just like it once it started to wear out.

    Cross-body bags were my thing for quite a while, but I've discovered something much more freeing: something my friend Toast refers to as my "purse coat."

    A few years back, I bought myself an 18-pocket trench coat made by SCOTTeVEST. ThinkGeek had them for sale in black or red and although the red was tempting, I chose black because I didn't want to run around dressed like Carmen Sandiego.

    At the time, I figured I'd use all the features for stowing electronics. However, the more mundane pockets have proven to be the most useful. Last fall I established a system that let me ditch my purse and wallet altogether and I haven't gone back. Here's how I load up the more important pockets of my purse coat:

    • ID Pocket – Driver's license, credit card, debit card, Costco card and health insurance card.
    • Shallow zipper pocket – Cash and coins.

    I'll pause a moment here to admit that it's a little inconvenient to unbutton my coat and wave it open like someone selling knockoff watches on the street every time I need to access money or cards. I still maintain that it's better than dragging a bag around on my shoulder, though. Let's continue:

    • Left-hand breast pocket – Cell phone. Unfortunately, upgrading to an iPhone 7 means that my phone is a little too big to fit securely beneath the velcro fastener at the top of the pocket, so my phone falls out if I'm not careful.
    • Right-hand breast pocket – Car key. Since my car has push-button start, I never have to take the key out; I just have to have my coat with me when I need to drive somewhere.
    • Left outside pocket (magnet clasp) – Keys to my dad's place. Key to an office where I sometimes work part-time. Egg-shaped lip balm. Tiny dental floss container.
    • Right outside pocket (magnet clasp) – House keys, plus an extra front door key and bottle opener affixed to a stretchy keyring that's part of the coat. Kleenex. Grocery list, if applicable. This pocket also has an elastic band in it that will hold a water bottle upright, so it's great for smuggling beverages. Allegedly.
    • There's also a pocket with a glasses cleaning cloth attached, but I have a hard time remembering which pocket it is.

    You may be asking, "Isn't it a little cold for your purse coat this time of year?" Why, yes! Yes it is. Fortunately, I have a big, fluffy coat that happens to fit over the purse coat. It makes me look like a grizzly bear, but that's the case whether or not it's worn over another coat.

    Okay, great. Well, what about when it's 100°F next summer? Yeah, that's where this all falls down. However, I am so on board with the whole not-carrying-a-purse thing that I have recently acquired an inexpensive pair of boots with a wallet compartment:

    Wallet-boots

    The boots won't carry me into the summer either, but at least they provide another purse-free option. Eventually I may have to start carrying a bag of some sort again, but I'm doing everything possible to forestall that day.

  • Some Things Average Jane Needs

    I'm not much for new year's resolutions, but 2017 has not exactly been a picnic, so it feels like a good time to put out a list of some things I don't just hope for in 2018, but really NEED. You never know who might have a connection that would be helpful. I'll start with the biggie and work my way down from there.

    A Job

    I got laid off from my last “real job” near the end of 2016. In the meantime, I've been doing freelance writing, I spent several months in a retail/customer service job (which I quit because it turns out I don't enjoy an environment where most of the employees get yelled at a lot), and I've picked up extra cash performing with two bands. Heck, I've made money blowing up balloons. I am not at all picky about what I do to make a living at this point. 

    All-i-need-is-this-chair

    All I need is this chair…

    Thank goodness I've managed to buy generously subsidized health insurance through the ACA up to now, but I do not feel at all confident that I'll continue to be so lucky. Therefore, my primary requirements for employment include affordable health insurance benefits and enough take-home pay to cover my relatively modest bills. So if you know of anything, let me know.

    Some Home Repairs

    One of the problems with living on a very tight budget is that when things break around the house, they tend to stay broken for a while. Then more things break, and the list keeps getting longer with no end in sight. So I'm looking for recommendations for people who can fix some of these issues without bankrupting me.

    Right now, the most pressing problem we're having is with our garage doors. Mine just refuses to open with a remote. Period. The button on the wall works fine, but the remotes have all given up. My husband's garage door is getting stuck halfway whenever he tries to open or close it. He can only get it to go where it needs to go by getting out and pushing or pulling. If it were still reasonably warm outside, that would be less of a problem, but at 6°F…

    Second on the repair list is my dishwasher. Dr. Google tells me it has a faulty fill valve which is preventing it from taking in enough water. It's something I could theoretically replace myself, but I am hesitant to root around in there and potentially break something permanently. In the meantime, I have to toss in a pitcher of water at the beginning of each cycle. Sigh.

    Entertainment

    Last but certainly not least, our (only) television has chosen now to start crapping out. It's a plasma screen TV and we've had it for a long time, so it's not a surprise that it's finally wearing out – it's just very poor timing. So far it's still possible to get it to come on and work properly after a few turning-it-off-and-on-again cycles, but sooner or later it's going to shuffle off this mortal coil. Then how will I finish binge watching “Supernatural”? This one isn't an ask because there's nothing to be done, but if I can take care of the steady job thing, I'll be able to afford a new TV without guilt.

    Perspective

    In most ways, I'm still incredibly fortunate. My health is decent, our house is safe and warm and filled with snuggly pets, my car is fairly new and reliable (yes, I have a car payment, but you know) and I have plenty to eat. Still, it's time for me to jump into a new chapter of my life and address a few things that went by the wayside in the past year. I'm ready!

  • Thrifty Average Jane

    I am not a big fan of shopping. Truth is, I've been putting off a trip to the grocery store for so long that today's breakfast is probably going to be tea and stale tortilla chips. However, I do enjoy a good bargain, so I made a special point of hitting my favorite thrift store earlier this week (yes, I have a favorite thrift store) and it definitely paid off.

    My most impressive score was a like-new Icebreaker hoodie made from merino wool for $5.99. I could tell it was a decent-quality piece when I spotted it on the rack, but until I looked up the brand when I got home, I didn't realize I'd probably saved upwards of $130 off retail. 

    Even more personally satisfying was the crockpot lid I got for 99¢ that turned out to fit my crockpot perfectly. It doesn't match, but hey, 99¢! Also, the original lid was plastic and this one is glass, so it feels like an upgrade. Behold!

    crockpot

    The lid for that crockpot was lost a number of years ago after I took it to a potluck at work. (Seriously, who throws away a crockpot lid?!)

    Since then, I've just covered it with a plate whenever I needed to use it, because there's no use letting a perfectly good crockpot go to waste. I should also mention that I bought that particular appliance in 1993 when I moved into my first apartment, so we have history together.

    Now it's all ready for hot chocolate or spiced cider for my holiday festivities. I think there may be some steel-cut oatmeal in my future as well. Oh, the possibilities!

    Thrifty shopping is the best shopping. Do I remember how much my last Amazon binge cost? No, but I do know that my pig-shaped Williams-Sonoma cutting board cost me 5¢ at a garage sale. A nickel! That may be even better than the bread machine I bought for $5 at another garage sale. 

    Today's the day I need to start my holiday baking, so I'll be making my way to the grocery store once I digest those tortilla chips. In the spirit of thriftiness, I think I'll flip through the grocery store sales circulars while I drink my tea. Maybe someone will have a sale on chocolate chips and butter…

  • 34 Random Things About Average Jane

    Be-awesome

    I'm dipping a toe back into blogging, inspired by Bossy, who promises a relaunch soon. I'll try to get more creative going forward, but this meme seemed like a decent way to ease back in.

    1. Do you like bleu cheese? I like one particular appetizer that consists of freshly made potato chips topped with melted Maytag bleu cheese. Otherwise, not really.
    2. Coke or Pepsi? Jack and Coke if I'm feeling thrifty; Crown and Coke to be fancy. I don't really drink soda by itself anymore.
    3. Do you own a gun? We have them in the household, but I don't personally own one.
    4. What flavor Kool-aid? Cherry or black cherry
    5. What do you think of hot dogs? I always liked them despite everything, and now that I'm a vegetarian I wish I could find a good veggie version.
    6. Favorite TV show? We've been binge watching Supernatural on Netflix (as of this week, we're at the beginning of season 8 out of 13 and counting). It's my favorite right now because I'm so immersed.
    7. Favorite movie? Currently it's Wonder Woman. I'd see it again any time.
    8. What do you drink in the morning? Black coffee
    9. Can you do a pushup? I can do a pushup, but I think I'd need to step up my yoga practice to be able to do multiple pushups.
    10. Favorite jewelry? My Superhero Designs necklaces. (I have Grass & Sky and Joy)
    11. Favorite hobby? Baking
    12. Do you have A.D.D.? I believe they call it ADHD in adults. Squirrel!
    13. Do you wear glasses? Yes! I just got my first pair of bifocals and they've changed my life for the better.
    14. Favorite cartoon character? The Tick
    15. Three things I did yesterday? Ate quiche, played with kittens, and got together with friends.
    16. Three things you drink regularly? I feel like we've covered a lot of this already, but I also drink a lot of water and I'm a fan of microbrewed beer.
    17. Current dislike? The patriarchy and all that entails.
    18. Favorite place to go? I love hanging out at Thou Mayest Coffee Roasters. Great coffee and food and a really comfortable atmosphere.
    19. How did you bring in the New Year? At home, I think? I really don't remember.
    20. Where would you like to go? I'd love to visit the U.K.
    21. Favorite color? Purple
    22. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? I'm going to assume no. Sounds cold and slide-y.
    23. Can you whistle? Not particularly well, but kinda.
    24. Where are you now? Sitting in my favorite living room chair.
    25. Would you be a pirate? I lean too much toward Lawful Good for that.
    26. Favorite food? Pizza. I would eat some variety of pizza every single day if the opportunity presented itself (and it often does).
    27. Last thing that made you laugh? Friends
    28. Favorite animal? Other than my cats and dog, definitely the capybara. 
    29. Most recent injury? A painful mystery bruise on one hip.
    30. How many TVs are in your house? Just one big one.
    31. Worst pain ever? It's a toss-up between kidney stone and diverticulitis flareup.
    32. Do you like to dance? Yes, but I'm not a very good dancer.
    33. Are your parents still alive? My dad is.
    34. Do you love life? As opposed to the alternative, sure. I could stand to cultivate more moment-by-moment joy, though.

    And that's that. I'm hoping to get back into daily posts each weekday morning as a writing warmup. That's how I started blogging and it seems like a good way to get back into it.

    I'm not sure if anyone's still around to read this, but I guess we'll find out!

  • Average Jane Bakes Cookies

    My paperback copy of the Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book naturally falls open to the recipe for Chocolate Chip Cookies due to the many times I’ve baked them. That was my intention today, but instead the book went a page further and Oatmeal Cookies caught my eye instead. I made a few adjustments to the standard recipe and baked these delicious cookies to enjoy while there’s snow on the ground and I’m staying in.

    Maple-spice-oatmeal-cookies

    Maple Spice Oatmeal Cookies

    3/4 cup butter (room temperature)
    1 3/4 cups flour
    1 cup packed brown sugar
    1/2 cup sugar
    2 eggs
    1 tsp. vanilla extract
    1/2 tsp. maple flavoring
    1 tsp. baking powder
    1/2 tsp. baking soda
    1/2 tsp. salt
    1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon
    1/4 tsp. ground cloves
    2 cups old fashioned oatmeal, uncooked
    1 cup mini cinnamon baking chips

    Heat oven to 375°F. Using an electric mixer or by hand, cream together butter, brown sugar and sugar until combined. Add eggs, vanilla extract and maple flavoring and mix thoroughly. Add baking power, baking soda, salt, flour, cinnamon and cloves. Mix until well combined, then stir in oatmeal and cinnamon baking chips. Drop by teaspoonsful on a baking sheet and bake for 10-12 minutes or until slightly browned on top. Cool on a wire rack. Makes 3 1/2 to 4 dozen.

    Note: Link in post is not an affiliate link.

  • Average Jane’s Holiday Meal Planning

    A number of years back, my sister and I decided (with the approval of our families) that we are well and truly OVER the traditional holiday feast foods of our childhoods. Also, I'm a vegetarian now, so roast beast with side dishes is not of interest to me at all.

    This year, we've decided to repeat the successful Italian-themed Christmas meal that we made last year. My sister is making a lasagna with meat and I'll be making a veggie lasagna and a pan of baked ziti. I'll also bake Italian bread and make balsamic vinaigrette for the salad since I have some nice aged balsamic on hand.

    EnchiladasFor Christmas Eve dinner, I'm planning to make enchiladas (I make a small pan of them for myself before I add the meat) and Mexican rice (with vegetable broth). We have enough cookies and candy around that I'm not going to concern myself with preparing a separate dessert.

    The Friday before Christmas Eve, my niece and nephew are coming over for dinner, movies and a sleepover. I figured I'd bust out the Fry Daddy and make tacos to preemptively use up the extra tortillas I would have had from making the enchiladas the next day. Let's hope the weather is decent enough that I can fry the shells out on the front porch.

    I really enjoy everything about planning these elaborate meals. From making the grocery lists to buying the ingredients, to preparing each dish in just the right order to have everything done at the same time, I find the entire process fun and satisfying.

    What are your meal plans for this weekend?

  • Average Jane Bakes Quick Bread (Okay, Cake)

    Sometimes you just want to bake something sweet and delicious. Today I thought about this recipe and realized I had all the ingredients on hand, so I'll be bringing it with me to a gathering this afternoon.

    Poppyseed-bread

    Almond Poppy Seed Bread

    (Makes 4-5 mini loaves)

    Heat oven to 350°F. Combine all ingredients by hand or use an electric mixer.

    3 cups flour
    1 1/2 tsp. salt
    1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
    2 1/2 cups granulated sugar
    3 eggs
    1 1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
    1 1/2 tsp. butter flavoring
    1 1/2 tsp. almond flavoring
    1 1/2 cups milk (soy milk also works great)
    1 1/8 cups vegetable oil
    2 tblsp. poppy seeds

    Grease mini loaf pans, divide batter evenly between them, and bake for one hour. I find that using an electric mixer increases the batter volume enough to make a fifth mini loaf. Check for doneness with a toothpick before removing from oven.

    If desired, glaze loaves while still warm, first combining:

    1/2 cup orange juice concentrate (no water added)
    3/4 cup powdered sugar
    1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
    1/2 tsp. almond extract
    1/2 tsp. butter flavoring

    Remove loaves from pan and place on a rack with waxed paper or a cookie sheet underneath to catch the drips. Spoon glaze over each loaf.