Dear Sports Fan(atics),
As yesterday’s loss should have demonstrated, your contributions to the game, however impassioned, really make no significant difference. You can shout advice to the players, harangue the officials, shout expletives to the heavens without regard for the proximity of children, and still the game may not go your way.
Furthermore, despite your insistent advice, I want you to know that my friends and I feel no compulsion to join you in shouting, beating on the chairs, etc. This is especially true when we are all being roasted alive in the direct sunlight and obviously wilting like neglected houseplants.
I’m sure you believe that if the three of us had only done a little yelling, sprung to our feet every time you did, and stayed beyond the middle of the game, the outcome might have been different. I maintain that your theory is based on more mistaken assumptions than I have the time or energy to counter.
Your erstwhile seatmate,
Jane
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