Average Jane Over-Shares

I’m taking the day off from work today because tomorrow’s my birthday. Guess how I’m spending my lovely, free day? Nah, don’t bother. You’ll never figure it out on your own.

The big fun starts around noon. That’s when my husband is scheduled for a colonoscopy and endoscopy. I’m the lucky gal who gets to take him there and drag him home afterward.

Oh, the things I’ve learned about the human digestive system in the last 24 hours! It turns out that colonoscopy prep includes a day of liquid diet (broth, clear fruit juice, popsicles, and gelatin that isn’t red or purple) and an entire gallon of some kind of laxative that the victim patient is supposed to drink in 8-ounce doses every 15 minutes until it’s gone. Ha! Ha ha ha!

What really happened is that my husband drank about half the gallon (which is pretty impressive, I think) and then puked copiously to the point that there was no way he could possibly drink any more. This is probably only the second time my husband has thrown up in the 15 years I’ve known him. That’s in contrast to me, who throws up at the slightest provocation. In fact, I had to go outside while he was yakking because the power of suggestion was getting too strong.

So anyway, he called his doctor for advice around 10 p.m. The doctor suggested that he go to the drug store, get a bottle of magnesium citrate and take that instead. I volunteered to go, but not before I got to enjoy the experience of hearing the doctor admonish my husband for questioning whether the new medicine would also make him pukey. "Do you really think I’d knowingly prescribe a medication that would make you vomit?" he said. Subtext: "Quit yer whining and do what I say!"

I hate to scare you single readers, but this is what happens when you get married. Sooner or later you’re going to find out way more about your spouse than you really wanted to know.

The good news is that the weekend should make up for today. My niece is spending tonight and Saturday night with us and I have a lot of activities planned. She’s coming with me to yoga class and a brunch on Saturday, after which we’ll probably go see either "Nancy Drew" or "Ratatouille" (or maybe both). On Sunday, we’re going to a major league baseball game.

Sounds like a good birthday weekend, don’t you think?